I have spent practically my whole life living in FEAR.
When I was a child, I was afraid of MEN. I wouldn’t talk to them. I would try and avoid them at all costs. I thought that they were all out to get me. My life’s motto was: Only trust two men–My father and my uncle. I would always ask my mom did something happen in my life that triggered this dislike, distrust, and fear but she would always reassure me that there was nothing.
During middle school, I was afraid of RELATIONSHIPS. I’m not talking about the boyfriend/girlfriend type. I mean the pure, friendly relationships. I could never understand, nor did I believe in the “best friend” concept. I remember I had this one friend that was always trying to call me on the phone and I’d constantly ignore her or cut our conversations short. It’s not that I didn’t like or appreciate her friendship; I did. However, I only let people get so close to me and if I felt friendships becoming too close or if I accidentally slipped up and told you something too personal I’d cut you off.
In high school, I was afraid of FAILURE; I was afraid of NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH. For me, my grades were the only thing that pretty much validated my self-worth. Behind this mask of confidence, toughness, and boss attitude, I was really extremely insecure. I had a low self-esteem (that’s probably an understatement lol). I thought I was too ugly, too short, too dark, etc. etc. I never thought highly of myself. There were some spur of the moment, random glimpses of true confidence, but those were fleeting. But my friends saw me as my mask so I was afraid of being FOUND OUT. I couldn’t let people know how much I was struggling inside…then I’d be more of a FAILURE.
In college, I was afraid of LIVING. I didn’t see the point. It seemed that I always let myself and my parents down. Why am I still on this earth? Remember the only thing that validated my self-worth: my grades? Yea, nobody mentioned I would have to work twice as hard to keep that up in college! In college, I became an average student. The one thing I felt I was actually good at began slipping away. If I didn’t have my grades who was I? If I didn’t have the only thing that made me feel good about myself why was I still here? I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there. I was afraid of my FUTURE. So afraid of my future to the point that I was willing to take my life just so I wouldn’t have to see the outcome. And if I wasn’t trying to take it, I was certainly thinking about it often…very often.
Now, I’m afraid of MYSELF…I’m afraid of SUCCESS. I know that there is greatness in me. I know that I am talented. I know that God has blessed me with vision. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid of BEING GOOD…GREAT AT SOMETHING. You know that saying that goes “you’re your worst critic”. Well I’m much more than my worst critic. I’m my worst enemy. I purposefully do things to stop myself from succeeding. I doubt myself constantly. That’s all a part of me hindering myself from growing. I do enough to get by on my gifts and talents, even though I know I’m capable of so much more. I have dreams and goals but I’d rather not see them through because I’m afraid of them materializing into something great. Crazy right? I would rather help others succeed and allow myself to be mediocre. Why???!!!!! Because with the possibility of success comes the possibility of failure.
But then it hit me today. GOD BELIEVES IN ME! The God of this universe believes that I can do all things through Him. The God of this universe sees greatness in me. The God of this universe is ready to give me the desires of my heart if I put my trust in Him. The God of this universe has a plan and purpose for my life. One of his plans is that I should not live in FEAR! But get this one….The God of this universe believes in me so much that He sent His son to die for me!! He did that just to show me “Tosin, I’m here for you. I have your back”. Wowowowow!!!!! He thought of little ol’ me even before I was a thought in my parent’s mind.
This great God has faith in my gifts, my talents, my dreams and my goals. After all, He is the one who gave them to me! He thinks so highly of me that He was willing to give His best for me. He wasn’t worried about giving up His best because He knew He was investing in something worthwhile. Wow, did you catch that? God risked it all for me. He was willing to put His Son’s life on the line so that I could be great…so that I could be successful…so that I could live life in His fullness. If God could do all of that for me then who am I to think so low of myself? Who am I to doubt the abilities that God has given to me? Who am I to constantly walk living in FEAR?? God’s got my back!
And He has yours too 🙂
Stop living life in fear. God wants us to live an ABUNDANT life. A life that GLORIFIES Him. He wants you to SUCCEED. He wants you to be filled with PEACE, JOY, AND HAPPINESS. His investment in our life didn’t stop at the cross. God wants to invest in our lives every day. To Him, we are a risk worth taking.
Now isn’t that AMAZING!
No fear…all faith,